1975

Hello 1975! Still cute! Love this picture with my Granny. God knows I miss her everyday! She was my cheerleader with everything that I ever did! She passed away as I was getting ready for my surgery. I was 6 days into my liquid diet for pre-op and she went to be with Papaw. A day that she had been looking forward to forever. I will never forget the day she went to heaven. She had been having a rough day before and had that darn UTI come back. Had gone there the day before after work like I had always done. Even went back the night before because they said her breathing had changed. As I was leaving I leaned down and kissed her head as I waited until she was asleep to leave. Next morning got up to go to work. As I was driving to work a song came on the radio. Haven't heard the song since but I remember belting out the words of "Dear Lord Jesus Come today"- It was right around 7am, when I got to work Mom called to say that she had just crossed over. So glad that Jesus heard my awful singing! Her body was so weak and tired and I know she wanted to be with Papaw so badly! I sometimes wish she was here to tell me how good I am doing and how I shouldn't give up. I know she is looking down on me and I miss her so!
I hope that she is holding my baby up there that I want so desperately! One of these days! Only God knows when and I leave it up to Him every month! Although I did just lie to the Asheville Gastro guy!

Dear Younger Me....

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me,

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

So, after hearing this song the other day-again- I decided that I wanted to do a blog where I talk to the younger me. So this is me in 1974....

According to my mom I am about 3 months in this picture.

So Dear Baby me,  At this point I am imagining a life that is pretty tumultuous. Will need to get out the baby book to see what was written but I can imagine that at this point in my life there is hopefully lots of love. I already know that Joe and Mom aren't going to be together much longer after this picture was taken. How do you leave a baby?? How do you just go away and pretend that I don't exist? From what I understand there were times when he was told that he could see me and chose not to. I just don't understand. But dear younger me, you are a beautiful baby! I really want to know why someone would leave you or not want you. But then again, this picture Joe literally carried around for 41 years. It is creased where he kept it- this is how people found out about me. But was he proud of me I don't know. Did he love me? I don't know. And now I will never know.

Great is thy faithfulness

Why is it so hard to remember that God is always the same and loving me and protecting me from my enemy and mostly from myself but first i must seek Him and not rely on me.

209

OK here we are with 209 again. I was bad yesterday. Not sure what happened but I couldn't get full and was just grazing all day. I did however go work out. Did my longest run ever. Tried to do the 4 10 minute runs in 85 degree heat and that was definitely sweat city!

 

^{So todays verse 1 chronicles 2:09}

 

⁹ The sons born to Hezron were:

Jerahmeel, Ram and Caleb

 

Well this one is a weird one! LOL Trying to look at the chapter and get another nugget of information and the whole chapter isn't anything but naming children and families in the tribes of Israel.

 

Still makes me go back to thinking why I haven't had children yet. When will it be my turn? I am excited to read the book that Hannah gave me the other day but haven't started it yet. I think it will be a good read and hopefully help with the anxiety that I feel most days.

 

I don't like to think that I have anxiety but I know that I do. I over analyze to many things and can't seem to focus because I get overwhelmed or easily distracted. Not sure if that is anxiety or not but it is crazy sometimes the things that I will do in order to not do something that would be easier to do than the thing that I started to distract myself from the thing that I need to do.

Whew that was a mouthful! I am in such a haze right now that I can't even think!

 

 

I think I posted this the other day but still need encouraging. One of the things that the therapist said was that I need to say goodbye  to the girl on the left. How do you say good bye to something that was such a large part of who you are now? That goes with people too not just saying good bye to yourself. I think I have said good bye to her but she is stubborn! I have given up most of the habits that I have had in the past. No longer do I eat 12" subways with a bag of chips and soda and a 1/2 pint of ben and jerry's for lunch. (my staple meal when I was in Bethel). Gone are the days of drinking all night and smoking like a freight train and just in general being miserably unhealthy.

Look at me now- I run, I eat right (most days) I drink water and stay hydrated. My skin is better. I feel better. I am able to do so much more than I ever thought I could. So why do I keep thinking backwards and eating things I know I am not supposed to? Why do I feel like I am on a slippery slope and having bad thoughts about things. Including myself. Why do I put myself in the I am not good enough category so many times??

 

Mostly because people have made me feel that way for most of my life. I wasn't a good enough daughter for Joe to stick around. I am not a good enough friend to have many now. I am not a good enough wife to where I can't conceive a child and keep thinking of greener grass (although I know that is not the case at all and that I have the best husband). I guess I am too human these days with lots of emotions and thoughts that I need to get into check!



Playing catch up

So the weekend was a good one and I was just so busy with yard sale preparation and cooking for the newest LaFalce baby that I just didn't take the time to keep up with my blog. This was a great weekend though. Saw the lowest number on the scale this far! But it was short lived. So here we go playing catch up!

Saturday 2 Samuel 2:09 -  ⁹ He made him king over Gilead, Ashuri and Jezreel, and also over Ephraim, Benjamin and all Israel- So this is the verse where David becomes King.  Not sure that I would ever want to be King! That seems so hard! I of course would try but I don't think I would be that great at it..LOL  David was the most influential King next to Jesus in the Bible-although it looks like he only served 7 1/2 years.


Sunday- 1 Kings 2:08- ⁸ “And remember, you have with you Shimei son of Gera, the Benjamite from Bahurim, who called down bitter curses on me the day I went to Mahanaim. When he came down to meet me at the Jordan, I swore to him by the Lord: ‘I will not put you to death by the sword.’ So this was all said by David as he was dying to his son Solomon. I like the beginning part of this chapter and wish it had been my verse- When David’s time to die approached, he charged his son Solomon, saying, “I’m about to go the way of all the earth, but you—be strong; show what you’re made of! Do what God tells you. Walk in the paths he shows you: Follow the life-map absolutely, keep an eye out for the signposts, his course for life set out in the revelation to Moses; then you’ll get on well in whatever you do and wherever you go.




Monday - 2 Kings 2:09-
⁹ When they had crossed, Elijah said to Elisha, “Tell me, what can I do for you before I am taken from you?”
Elisha said, “Your life repeated in my life. I want to be a holy man just like you.”
¹⁰ “That’s a hard one!” said Elijah. “But if you’re watching when I’m taken from you, you’ll get what you’ve asked for. But only if you’re watching.”
^11-14 And so it happened. They were walking along and talking. Suddenly a chariot and horses of fire came between them and Elijah went up in a whirlwind to heaven. Elisha saw it all and shouted, “My father, my father! You—the chariot and cavalry of Israel!” When he could no longer see anything, he grabbed his robe and ripped it to pieces. Then he picked up Elijah’s cloak that had fallen from him, returned to the shore of the Jordan, and stood there. He took Elijah’s cloak—all that was left of Elijah!—and hit the river with it, saying, “Now where is the God of Elijah? Where is he?”
When he struck the water, the river divided and Elisha walked through.So that is a pretty powerful verse. What would it have been like to see the chariot and all of the clouds and smoke as Elijah went up to heaven.

It isn't like that in real life. I was by my papaws bed when he passed and he just kind of went to sleep. Same with Joe. As I said yesterday that whole situation has been very bittersweet but I am glad I got the time that I did and met the family that I have out of that situation. Definitely a God moving story if I ever heard one!   

Never to late!

So I guess I am later than normal in getting my bible study in this morning. Not really a study but my challenge. It is funny I was talking to hubs last night about my challenge and saying that I guess when I get to the horse goal I will have to start reading from chapter 19 of the different books. So fun and scary to think about !
1 Samuel 2:09

For the foundations of the earth are the Lord’s;
    on them he has set the world.
⁹ He will guard the feet of his faithful servants,
    but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness


I really liked the 2nd verse better- or the whole section of Hannah's prayer.  I have looked online before with Hannah's Prayer and the website is a support page for people facing infertility issues.  I  really hate having these issues and really wish that I was able to get pregnant. Have been trying for so long. I know that I need to have patience and that God will provide but it gets hard waiting and waiting. 

 

I don't believe that God has closed my womb. I believe that there is still a hope and that God will provide one day and bless me and hubs that we will be able to have children. I do think that I will be using part of my bonus to go see Dr. Holdman again. I really am not sure if I want to go that route because I am not sure how I feel about the whole IUI/IVF thing. I need to do more research that is for sure!

I just noticed the title of this blog as never to late- when I wrote that I didn't know what the verse was going to be or where the verse was going to take me. Kind of a double edged sword!

There is an 0!!

Ok so there was an 0 yesterday too but this time it is in a different location! Today was 209. Just barely but it was still there! So today we go to Ruth chpt 2 verse 9  (so stinkin' exciting!)

"Watch the field where the men are harvesting, and follow along after the women. I have told the men not to lay a hand on you. And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled."

I have always wanted to study the book of Ruth. Seems like a sad story really. A woman (Naomi) is married has two sons who get married- her husband dies and then both of her sons die  and so her one daughter in law comes back to live with her and take care of her.


^20-21 But she said, “Don’t call me Naomi; call me Bitter. The Strong One has dealt me a bitter blow. I left here full of life, and God has brought me back with nothing but the clothes on my back. Why would you call me Naomi? God certainly doesn’t. The Strong One ruined me.”

Well that was an interesting story. It is a snapshot of how the lineage of David came to be which in turn is the lineage of Jesus. I am glad that Naomi later found favor with God and decided not to continue with the negativity that she had in chapter one but then later was happy in the following chapters and saw how God had favor on her family and she was redeemed and given a place to stay and grandchildren (sort of).

It is a great story to see how life turns out to the good even when you don't know what direction it may be going at the time. Kind of like my life right now with- not sure what this plan is that God has in store for me but I am sure He will work it out for His glory.