209

OK here we are with 209 again. I was bad yesterday. Not sure what happened but I couldn't get full and was just grazing all day. I did however go work out. Did my longest run ever. Tried to do the 4 10 minute runs in 85 degree heat and that was definitely sweat city!

 

^{So todays verse 1 chronicles 2:09}

 

⁹ The sons born to Hezron were:

Jerahmeel, Ram and Caleb

 

Well this one is a weird one! LOL Trying to look at the chapter and get another nugget of information and the whole chapter isn't anything but naming children and families in the tribes of Israel.

 

Still makes me go back to thinking why I haven't had children yet. When will it be my turn? I am excited to read the book that Hannah gave me the other day but haven't started it yet. I think it will be a good read and hopefully help with the anxiety that I feel most days.

 

I don't like to think that I have anxiety but I know that I do. I over analyze to many things and can't seem to focus because I get overwhelmed or easily distracted. Not sure if that is anxiety or not but it is crazy sometimes the things that I will do in order to not do something that would be easier to do than the thing that I started to distract myself from the thing that I need to do.

Whew that was a mouthful! I am in such a haze right now that I can't even think!

 

 

I think I posted this the other day but still need encouraging. One of the things that the therapist said was that I need to say goodbye  to the girl on the left. How do you say good bye to something that was such a large part of who you are now? That goes with people too not just saying good bye to yourself. I think I have said good bye to her but she is stubborn! I have given up most of the habits that I have had in the past. No longer do I eat 12" subways with a bag of chips and soda and a 1/2 pint of ben and jerry's for lunch. (my staple meal when I was in Bethel). Gone are the days of drinking all night and smoking like a freight train and just in general being miserably unhealthy.

Look at me now- I run, I eat right (most days) I drink water and stay hydrated. My skin is better. I feel better. I am able to do so much more than I ever thought I could. So why do I keep thinking backwards and eating things I know I am not supposed to? Why do I feel like I am on a slippery slope and having bad thoughts about things. Including myself. Why do I put myself in the I am not good enough category so many times??

 

Mostly because people have made me feel that way for most of my life. I wasn't a good enough daughter for Joe to stick around. I am not a good enough friend to have many now. I am not a good enough wife to where I can't conceive a child and keep thinking of greener grass (although I know that is not the case at all and that I have the best husband). I guess I am too human these days with lots of emotions and thoughts that I need to get into check!